typical solo summer afternoon thoughts
[Sitting in the park, alone with a book, remembering the many times I've done this before.]
An issue I've been dealing with for as long as I remember is the constant push and pull of being either under- or over-stimulated (most likely due to having an ADHD brain, which I got diagnosed only 2 years ago and am still getting used to), never finding the pleasant middle ground.
I was thinking about this and its effects on my idea of accomplishment, how I tend to feel like a whole person only when I'm accomplishing, or have recently accomplished, something. When I'm not being stimulated in this way, I feel scattered and aimless. It appears in simple things: when I don’t have plans, or if my plans are solo, I feel aimless and spend most of the day checking my phone for a friend’s text inviting me to something. Sometimes I feel unfulfilled even when I'm with a friend, which I'm often guilty about, because I'm thinking about something more interesting or fulfilling I could be doing. Although I like to do things that are aimless and low-stimulation, like reading in the park or crafting while rewatching a comfort movie, these things feel more like “pass-times” than real activities. I don't like this framing of hobbies as something we do merely to pass the time. Rather, it's about making time for things we like doing, outside of societal obligations. But I get caught up in devaluing certain things I like doing while gravitating toward "hard work" based on the type of labour we're expected to value more.
I have trouble filling my days, even when I have long-term projects underway. Something that comforts me is going to a public space and acknowledging others doing the same thing as me. It reminds me that we’re never actually alone. And when I’m here with a friend, I see other couples too; friends catching up, first dates, mother and daughter. In the end, I feel most confident and accomplished when I'm with my friends, talking and popping into shops, then sitting on the grass after our long stroll.
Picture me, short brown hair and recently bleached eyebrows, baby tee and old Adidas shorts, leather ballet flat. A tote bag carrying wired headphones, my current paperback read, keys, and a Burt's Bees lip balm, probably with an iced chai in hand. One friend, more chic, probably wearing a linen skirt or jeans and a small purse, tatted with fine art snaking over her left arm and stomach. The other, in a checkered button-up and jean shorts, has the most facial piercings of the group and a crossbody Baggu. They probably sip an Iced Vanilla Latte as they walk.